by
Raymond Alexander Kukkee
How to Talk to Teens and 'Tweens About Difficult and Personal Issues
Panic is rising. It has the worrisome potential of
an ultimate disaster. The essential parent's nightmare has arrived in your
household...... Perhaps you sense the child you love is headed for trouble and
a frank discussion about premarital sex and risky behaviour is overdue. The
prospect of holding any sensitive discussion may be daunting, embarrassing, and
very uncomfortable for you.
Relax. You are not alone. Most parents have run into a similar situation at
one point or another, and frustrated parents, at times, are tempted to pass the
buck, avoid the issue entirely, or throw up their hands in despair
unnecessarily.
While it is true a discussion may not change the direction a teen is headed
in life, it also does not preclude the fact that a teen must inevitably learn, --by
their own experience, many of the lessons necessary in life.
In the extreme, a
discussion can fail miserably or even backfire in spite of your best effort.
Much depends upon how you, as a mature adult and parent, approach sensitive
issues such as premarital
sex, intimacy, and risky behaviour.
If a serious effort to guide your teen through sensitive, uncomfortable
issues is made using patience, experience and wisdom, teens will inevitably
become more mature
even though it may not become immediately apparent to you.
Understanding the underlying issues and reasons for teen behaviour may be
ultimately more valuable than details of a perceived problem.
With love, care and nurturing values applied, mutual respect between parents
and teens will develop naturally, and the relationship with your teens will
change and mature as they gain the life experience that is so important to
their personal development.
In planning any discussion about premarital sex, intimacy or risky behaviour
with a teen, success is not always guaranteed. Talking to teens can be arduous
at times; personalities, personal choices and actions can be difficult to face
upon discovery, and even harder to accept. Often it takes far more than just
average levels of understanding, patience, people-handling skills, or logic to
talk to our teens, but as parents, it seems natural that we should try.
Here are some tips to help ease the difficulty of talking to 'tweens and
teens about those embarrassing, sensitive, and difficult topics.
1. Advise the teen in advance that you sincerely want to have a mature and
non-judgmental discussion, whether it is about intimacy, relationships,
premarital sex, sexually transmitted diseases, oral sex, or pregnancy. Stress
that you recognize how important it is to address potential personal problems
before they occur. Discuss the benefits of establishing responsible, mature
solutions together.
2. Identify with your teen. You may actually be more embarrassed discussing
sensitive issues than they are, so do admit it honestly. Assure them it is
natural to be embarrassed and sensitive about personal issues, so encourage
your teen to understand how you feel too, and in doing so, enforce the
principle that regardless of how people feel, responsible and productive adult
discussion can take place .
3. Set time aside carefully and specifically for your discussions. Rushing
an important discussion such as virginity, birth control or the initiation of
premarital sex implies that you attribute little importance to your teen's
potential and very personal problem. In fact, it may turn out to be the biggest
personal problem your teen has ever encountered, so prepare well for that possibility
by allowing adequate time to fully discuss the problem. Turn off the
television, the computer, and the cell phone.
4. Be patient. When you initiate the discussions, express patience and show
that you are really listening to what is happening in their lives, what may
have happened already, and what they have to say about it. Assure them what
they believe about intimacy and sex before marriage is really important to you,
too. Refrain from becoming angry if you instantly disagree with what they tell
you.
5. Respect the teen's requirement for privacy. Do hold sensitive discussions
in private. Privacy is a huge issue when sensitive issues are discussed with
teens. If there is no privacy allowed for your discussion, the teen may quickly
come to believe you do not respect their personal feelings. As a general rule,
arrange it so friends, peers, or other family members will not be in the room
at the time of the discussion unless the teen specifically requests they be in
attendance. Private discussions not only encourage openness, but they eliminate
distraction. Privacy is paramount, regardless of subject.
6. Be aware of the fact that a teen may only want confirmation from you of
what they already
believe. It does happen. If they are asking questions, consider
that to be a good sign of a sense of responsibility. By the way, if they
request that a friend of theirs be present for your conversation, it may be
that they want their friend to also receive the same beneficial message.
7. In some instances, both parents may feel it is mandatory and necessary to
be involved in the same discussion simultaneously. In fact, it may be far
preferable to ensure one-on-one discussions rather than have two parents seen
to be "ganging up" on a single teen in a discussion. Be sensitive to
that possibility and avoid that scenario.
First experiences, loss of virginity,
sexual feelings, and any resulting feelings of depression, guilt and inadequacy
may be overly-sensitive issues that are better addressed by one parent or the
other. Embarrassing issues such as a teen's period, premarital sex, pregnancy,
and discussions on extremely sensitive issues such as oral sex on first dates
may be totally out of the question if, as an example, the male parent
stubbornly insists on participating in every discussion. Similarly, if the teen, regardless of gender, is more comfortable talking to the other parent, do
respect that decision.
8. Remember you were a teenager once too. Early dating has become earlier
dating in the ever-increasing speed of society, for better or for worse. Sex,
rightly or wrongly, has come to the fore in many relationships prior to
marriage. It does not hurt to tell your teenager how you felt about the same
issue when you were the same age without dwelling upon the past. Stress that
individual experiences are normal, and a fact of life. Compare feelings.
9. Build trust and confidence by being sincere.
Teens can spot a lie
instantly and will often "clam up" if they feel they are being
deceived, patronized, needled, or subjected to unnecessary embarrassment.
Modern teens are often amazingly candid and mature. Remember, if they discover
you have lied to them, in future discussions they may also lie, telling you
only what they think you
wish to hear.
10. Accept the fact that teenagers are more than likely better informed
about the "birds and bees " than you were 30 years ago. The internet
and open communication has changed society substantially, continues to do so
endlessly, and in public opinion, not always for the better. Sex is prevalent
in all aspects of modern society, like it or not. Times change. Be aware of
what your teen has been exposed to in sex education at school, in their
personal lives, and culturally. Use proper terminology for the human anatomy
because they already know it. Be aware of societal attitudes, practices and
pressures common or prevalent in the city and location you reside.
11. Always answer teen questions honestly, to the best of your ability. If
you do not know the answer, assure them you will find out for them, and then DO
follow up on your promise. Doing so encourages the teen to confide in you and
ask for further advice.
Remember that asking advice, and knowing when to ask
for the advice of another person, is a sign of maturity. If your opinions
and answers are forthright, honest, and believable, they will be heeded and
treasured.
12. Encourage your teen to think independently rather than be negatively
influenced by bad peer behaviour or reckless actions. In encouraging teens to
think independently, it is helpful to recognize that to become mature
individuals, teens do need to learn to make decisions, but also learn to live
with the consequences. Although young adults may not always make the correct
choices about personal and intimate activities, they will respect your
encouraging them to make their own responsible decisions at times, as difficult
as it may seem. As a positive outcome, teens may even make far superior choices
only because you have displayed trust in their judgment. It may seem strange, but
trust does gain trust. Contrary to popular opinion, a decision to allow teens
more responsibility does not mean one should give teens
carte blanche to
do virtually anything they wish. It does not change the fact that you are the
parent with an obligation to provide guidance and teach them to be responsible
for their own behaviour.
13. Assure your teen that you DO respect their frank, personal opinion on
sensitive issues and that you are genuinely interested in hearing what they
think about it. If you think their opinion is wrong, explain why without
demeaning their ideas or pointing accusing fingers.
14. If reasonable to do so, be willing to accept your teen's judgment
upon occasion. Sometimes teens are right too. At times, issues are already far
beyond control, and
angry personal judgments that merely elevate discussions
to higher levels of disagreement, anger and distrust are more effective
withheld entirely.
15. When talking, avoid losing control and lashing out angrily if you do not
agree. Take a break purposefully, and if you have anger management issues,
assure the teen you will be happy to discuss the matter on a later occasion
when you have had a chance to think about it further. Storming out of a
discussion in anger will not solve anything, but rather teaches teens to avoid
facing sensitive issues head on.
Facts may be hard to accept at times, but
sex
always has been part of human nature. As an example, if your 16 year-old
daughter confides in you that she is already sexually active, the wisest thing
you can do as a parent is to
not over-react. Instead, ask what she knows about
sexually transmitted diseases, and pregnancy. Find out as much as possible why
she is participating in that risky behaviour, and what she is doing to protect
herself. Ultimately, DO help her to responsibly arrange birth control and
practice safe sex without making her feel like a criminal.
Better protected
than not.
16. Do encourage sexual abstinence and general moral values, but do so
without preaching or being loud, threatening or heavy-handed. If you do feel
overly strongly about this common societal concern, in your discussions,
instead, carefully explain to your teen why you feel that way . Is it contrary
to your faith, your culture, personal beliefs, or is your uncontrolled fervor a
result of your own guilt or negative experience?
It is always helpful to
understand why people think and act as they do.
17. If your teen is running with a crowd that is already sexually active,
ask if their peer group is pressuring them to "be the same". As a
matter of good parenting, always listen very carefully to what your teens may
say about their friend's activities. If your teen calmly states her friends are
sexually active, she has just given you a clear signal of social pressure that
requires her to do the same. Encourage your teen to think for themselves, learn
about sexually transmitted diseases, birth control methods, and ensure that
safe sex is being practiced at all times.
18. Be informed. Express interest when your teen wants to tell you what
their friends have relayed to them about sex, and again, listen carefully to
all of the details offered . Ensure your teen has modern, accurate information
rather than third-hand street information about premarital intimacy, birth
control, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases. Peer pressure is
substantial in teen surroundings and can spread sexual health misinformation,
defying all logic and reason. Serious consequences can easily develop if
information is incorrect, misunderstood or dealt with inappropriately.
19. Although it is extremely difficult at times, avoid expressing anger
needlessly or arbitrarily. Thoughtful discussion and reason will go a lot
farther with any intelligent teen than scolding, anger and pointedly attempting
to diminish their personal sense of self-worth. Angry teens may in turn
arbitrarily choose to "bait" you by saying outrageous things, for
instance, that " oral activities are not sex!" so listen carefully,
and watch their body language. Be assured they are watching yours. Your
responses should remain positive, calm, measured, insightful and thoughtful,
regardless of their comments or efforts to rile you.
20. Above all, assure your teen that you trust them because you love and
care for them. Avoid jumping to conclusions too quickly. Just because all of
their friends are having premarital sex and practicing risky behaviour does not
mean your teen is making the same mistake. Give each teen credit where credit
is due.
By following some of these tips, you can have frank, honest discussions with
your 'tweens or teens about premarital sex, intimacy, sexually transmitted
diseases, loss of virginity, or virtually any other very sensitive and
uncomfortable personal issue.
Ultimately, with care, the personal relationship you
enjoy with your teen will grow and mature with respect, love, healthy
understanding, and composure.
Remember when you wanted to ask your parents "that"?
Is that incoming I hear?
*Note: This article was originally Published by
Raymond
Alexander Kukkee at Associated
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