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Incoming BYTES
contains highly variable subject matter including commentary on the mundane, the extraordinary and even controversial issues. At Incoming BYTES
we want YOU to think...if you dare...


Monday, December 19, 2011

Abusive Relationships: Writing for Quantum Change

The Age of Light is upon us

I write,  because frankly, I love to write about everything.
How about you?  Do you itch to write about this or that, something, anything?  Are you compelled to write about relationships, experience,  home life or families?  Do you ever want to change things you perceive as wrong? 

I  practice writing for quantum change.   I want to see change for the better in society, --even the smallest change, and  in many cases, I want others to change for the better on their own initiative, by being honest with themselves.  I want  society's leaders to lead. 

I have to be honest and admit I have a secret. I am
impatient.   I want to change things for the better instantly if not sooner --but  some things need to be changed instantly if not sooner.  

One of the major problems with that theory is that one must correctly understand what the status quo really is at the moment of observation. Reality
Perpetrators of wrongs must see themselves as doing wrong. 
 Abusive people need to be made to see themselves as they really are. Abusers. Abusers of women and children, abusers of seniors, the weak, and unfortunate pets.   Abusers are those individuals  that abuse anyone or anything that  happens to be less powerful, less able to protect themselves and unable to escape. 

Surprisingly, it is survival of cowards  that comes to mind
The fact is, abusers are insecure, weak-minded,  incompetent cowards that viciously abuse and minimize others to aggrandize themselves, to show how "powerful and superior" they are.  
In fact, little do they realize, they reveal themselves to be weak-minded, pathetic cowards --even psychotic and mentally ill individuals.

Any writer can default happily and  make up fiction, but the realities of physical abuse of women, children and families can be  black eyes, broken minds, broken hearts, broken homes, and broken bones--even death.    
 What society is doing now, or what is not being done, what is  subtly approved, --right now, rightly or wrongly  --and the bruises society's  victims wear --is what has to be dealt with, and now.  Denial  by society is unacceptable. Denial by individuals is unacceptable. 
How is the future framework of society established ? 
By what we do today. What we formulate and accept as normal todayWhat is considered acceptable today.  
 Human beings are interesting subjects, interesting entities, and in the fantasy world, society is extremely fascinating --misguided or not,  faulty or not,  modified by aversion therapy a la  Clockwork Orange  or not.  

In reality , however, society is defective. 
Reality. Broken bones.  Bruises.  Being choked  is what it is, not what one may fancifully pretend it to be. Denial does not erase bruises or repair broken bones. 
The tendency to abuse can be modified and "fixed" but only with  willful --and honest attention. 
We  may arbitrarily and solemnly declare there are  underlying issues, events, and dissociated facts,  social causes that precipitate attacks  upon others in  abusive  relationships.  We're supposed to generously allow for those.  We convince ourselves it is unnecessary to intervene,  pretend it unnecessary to force anyone to be truthful  --after all, we can compensate with social feel-good understanding and give them a dandy "slap on the wrist".    
Sure, we can. We're an advanced society, supposedly  we can be politically correct and go out of our way to understand deviant behaviour. 
 Somehow that's supposed to make things better, it is supposed to prevent black eyes and bruises, broken bones and death, but it does not.
If we  remain silent and say nothing  we renege  on our duty to society.  We avoid facing perpetrators down..  We avoid pointing fingers.  Never rock the boat, never pay inordinate  attention to anything. Be 'politically correct'.  Ignore  the blatant regression of civility, society, ethics, and  brutality within relationships -shall we also silently blame and admonish the victims? 
After all, it's the status quo. It's approved by society's experts.
It's 'normal' according to society's 'experts' , so it's 'fine'.   It's been happening for centuries, so it's 'fine'Some cultures approve, even promote the abuse of women as property of spineless, vicious, abusive  men, so it's acceptable.    In some archaic patriarchal  cultures, "honour killing"  of daughters, sisters and siblings is "fine".
It's a typical strong man, weak woman relationship 'authorized' and , by neglect, seemingly approved by liberal feel-good social studies regardless how outrageous that may be.     
Guess what?  At Incoming Bytes, it is not "fine" .
I have no intention of accepting the status quo of the continuous abuse of  women, children or pets.
 I'm writing for quantum change, and you can too
If you dare.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


  1. The end of abuse comes first at the hands of the abused and then at the hands of the ones who allowed the abuse to go unchecked (the ignorers). Everyone must refuse to be a victim. This goes beyond just the blackeyed version of abuse as well. Only when we adopt the self-esteem laden, non-victimology will the society hold hope to eradicate the barbaric behavior.

    I am one. I refuse to be a victim.

  2. Red, how about the woman that has been abused for so long, so brainwashed by her abuser for so long that she has no self-esteem left --and actually believes the abuse is her fault? That is typical control-freak abuser M.O.--to have the victim blame herself. She will return to him over and over, even when advised not to.
    --So what happens to those women who are not capable of refusing to be victims? What can society do for them?
    Thanks for commenting, Red! ~Ray

    1. not all women who have suffered from abuse can be called victims--many are subject to personal, environmental and cultural mores..

      kindness and lack of self worth may be early influences which blind the would be victim to escalating instances of abuse. distrust of institutional solutions may aggravate situations if the would be help ends up in separating families, mothers from children, husbands from wives etc..

      so many complicating factors are evident when you look at the depth of the social problems involved..i have been through far too much and seen too many people fall through the ravages of a punish first and pay later politicized system...

      there are groups which offer classes in anger management and other therapies capable of distancing the individuals and their families from risky behavior (good luck for all!) there are fewer well wishers who believe they are helpful too..social attitude needs an oil change here..

      no i never lost my own, i never was a 'victim'..i dealt with my own on my own..because the solutions were dangerous and offensive. the strong will to live and rectify wrongs, to grow can surmount the terrible odds with healing power. i have always trusted that tenderness trumps terror in this savage world of ours..and after all i am right in some cases---intelligence is the deciding factor in the difficult choice..

    2. Nadine, I have to agree whole-heartedly- Perceived-politically-correct solutions are NOT the answer. The problem is, -not all are victims but in the political sweep to "do something" are perceived to be.

      Your observation re. "kindness and lack of self worth may be early influences".....YES--because very often the abuser will use kindness to deceive--and emphasize the "low self esteem" to psychologically destabilize the victim-and then "SAVE" the victims "from themselves" by inflicting additional and even more vicious control upon them. Cultural mores are a HORRIBLE excuse for society to ignore brutality. There can be no excuse.

      Victims fall through the cracks of a system that does not take the time to understand what the root problems really ARE.

      Social "interference" that blindly separates victims from perpetrators is --admittedly--not always perfect--but if there is even one victim's life saved by the process does that not justify action of some kind?

      Indeed, distrust of institutional solutions IS well deserved in some instances--and unfortunately, mostly from abject failure to act. Brutalized and dead victims. Irreparable damage to families and relationships. Incorrect and unsuitable solutions applied blindly at times.

      Subsequent errors do not suggest institutions should give up and ignore brutality and the status quo, but suggest smarter approaches are seriously required --oil change IS badly needed.

      Having an intelligent approach as you have taken, a measured, careful proactive approach --is possible where there is adequate intelligence, understanding of the status quo, the dangers, and the risks of solutions being dangerous and offensive. ......You are a strong-willed, very unique individual, but frankly, there are many victims who are not--who are not capable of understanding why it is happening to them, and how they can evade brutality.

      "Tenderness trumping terror " is a good precept and preferable to arbitrary social savaging of relationships and circumstance misunderstood --as long as lives of women and children are not at stake. Anger management courses are invaluable--and should be mandatory for all perpetrators, regardless of their "excuse" for brutality.

      Your unique patient approach is so commendable--and hopefully it will be successful in the long term. Thank you so much for commenting. Your insight and experience in a difficult situation is extremely valuable. Please stay safe. ~r

  3. Unfortunately, I have, (or had because she is cut off from contact) a friend who went back to her abuser because she was disabled, but turned down for disability and had no means for income or living on her own.

    While writing about it can't make people who abuse other stop, we can do something that will improve the way all this is handled, from neighbors to police.

    BTW: I am a survivor as well, but I think you knew that.

  4. Alex, --that is precisely the reason society needs to provide more support services for victims of abuse, being needy or not. They are often forced to go back, for whatever reason and accept more abuse, which is totally unacceptable in a civilized society.
    We can, --and should be --exposing abusive cowards for what they are. Abuse is not acceptable in any form, period.
    I am aware that you are a survivor, which makes your comments even more valuable. Thanks for being brave enough to comment Alex !

  5. I struggle to comment on this one but find I must as an abuse survivor. There is no single reason why women stay or why some finally break the cycle and leave. It is never easy. Society never lets women forget they were weak enough to allow the abuse, there is always a piece of blame laid at the feet of the victim, always. It is why so many women don't speak up don't speak out. It is why so many women return to their abusers they have nothing when they run and there is usually nothing to help them to begin to rebuild.

    My abuse happened years ago, when in Texas it was still legal to beat your wife with a stick so long as it was no bigger around than your thumb. There was no such thing as Domestic Violence laws back then on the books. I am not excusing it just explaining the times and the indifference.

    Though the laws have changed, many of the attitudes haven't.

  6. @ Valentine, being a survivor makes your input and comments incredibly valuable for this discussion.
    There is NO excuse for abuse, 'socially approved' or not, 'approved by law' or not, and you're right, the victim is often blamed, even today at times, by the courts!

    The so-called "laws" that allowed you to be abused in Texas are an absolutely PERFECT example of why quantum change is so badly needed in society's attitude toward the abuse of women, children and animals.

    "Domestic laws" such as the example you have provided were written by narrow-minded and brutal men that in truth are, under close examination, cowardly, insecure control freaks. Shame on them!

    SOCIAL indifference to the physical abuse of women, children and pets is outrageous and inexcusable. There is NO excuse for abuse, period. Society needs change, and NOW.

    There is no single reason why individual victims return or break the cycle, --and equally, there is no single reason that EVER justifies abuse.
    Thank you so much for your comments --which WILL encourage victims of abuse to speak out and help effect badly needed change. There is hope.
    Happy New Year!

  7. You may not see this comment since this is for a Dec. post of your's, but I just found your blog and was impressed that you wrote about abuse. As a witness to abuse, then as a survivor of abuse, I posted both of these on my blog, http://bagladysjournal.blogspot.com/

    I invite you to read these posts. Neither is about physical abuse, but rather about abuse that no one sees. In my blog archives for Jan 21, the post is titled "A Silent Crime" and details my own experience with an abuse that is not criminal but should be. Then on Feb 3 the post titled "Abuse on a Different Level" is about the abuse I was witness to with my foster children...not the usual violent abuse (we did see that too) but rather to what extent some parents will go to with their kids.

    I enjoyed reading some of your posts and will be coming back to read more. Being a new blogger, I haven't yet worked out how to list my past posts but rather have them in a drop-down box titled "archives" so feel free to look around. But I hope these 2 specific posts hold your interest.


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