O is for Opportunistic Obfuscation

O is for Opportunistic  unless it's for  recombinant Obfuscation or other equally obtuse abuses of the English language. We're okay with that. 
We are all  practitioners of opportunistic obfuscation.  Have we been waiting surreptitiously with abated breath for 'O' to come along?   Yes.  Why not, after all, O is for Opportunist obfuscation,  so patiently  in ambush we wait.
 (While we're waiting, all parents are allowed to give the  rotten  kid a cookie as a bribe to stop playing with Granny's Ming vase. That's to be expected. Distraction works )

  We revel in the opportunity to obfuscate the apparent, to cloud the issues, to offer distractions and subtractions, if only to ensure our success. Life offers such wonders and hooks at every turn, left or right, but they're not usually good enough, we make additions and throw up smokescreens,  behind which we hover, hide and  at times, smirk happily. Why muddy the waters, and confuse the senses of the normally sensible?  It's fun. It's a challenge.
 It's easy too.  At times it is advantageous to befuddle the process of logic to achieve an end, whether it is a joke, a hoax,  the end of a relationship, the end of a business arrangement, or to offer a minor and interesting but hopeful distraction when conversation is headed the wrong direction.  To save face.  To save the skin.  Over the speed limit, for example; 

Obfuscation in progress

 "Good evening, Sir,  were you in a big hurry?  License and registration please?".
"um...Good evening, officer,  is there ringing in your ears? Does it sound like a fire alarm ?  The fire alarm in my building sounds like a cell phone now, it was changed a few months ago when the building changed ownership."

"Uh huh". "Not me, my eyes are fine too, and you were forty over the limit...."

" uh...The new owner of my building is a hot chick too, that blonde with the red Mustang --the one just ahead of me back there.  Did'ya see that thing go by?   It's got a nitro turbocharged OHC  , she passed me, she was doing at least 140." 


"Yeah?......Sir,   don't be trying to-----well, gotcha,  10-4,   here are your papers, Sir,- I''m gonna go check out that Mustang, no speeding, dude!"   (wink)

"Gee, thanks!  Goodnight officer".  (wink and grin)

 Do you take advantage of breathtaking opportunities to obfuscate facts, even flamboozle the cops to fabricate pathways to freedom?   Do you choose to hasten the slowdown, discombobulate the outcome?    Do you hurry up the investigation,  rapidly speeding to a walking crawl or  hurriedly screeching to a halt?  The legal profession displays  superior opportunistic professionalism at the art of obfuscation.

Dear Mrs. Schlappenveiner;   
As I advised you on Tuesday at lunch, just prior to your incarceration,  darling,  nothing has changed. Please remain assured that, as promised, my lips are sealed.   I am still  officially  mortified to hear of the untimely death of your husband last month. I do hope the warden has allowed  you to read this important document unopened.  
 Further to your request and our discussions of  April 1st, 2012,  kindly find herein  a summary of the findings of the investigation into your  defense and  a simplified recap of Section a.. 1 a) 1.4.iii  Probate  inquiry  and a summary of the applicable law hooeySections and interpretations as have been applied to the recent execution and demise and of your beloved husband and accessory, the late Mr. V.O. ( Vingaart  Oliphant)  Schlappenveiner, himself having been determined to be certified as passed away in an untimely manner as indicated by the death certificate you have kindly provided to us. Unfortunately, death in an untimely manner after a life of illicit excesses and codified extortion invariably results in an investigation of all persons both involved as heirs and convicted murderers and associated persons.  This probate continuum and the inconvenient  inconvenience of this redundant and subsequent investigation speaks to the investigative matter at hand. Please read this carefully.
 
 Whereas and herein  the plaintiff , a  witness to this action has also contested Mr.Schlappenveiner's last wishes, will and testament, estate withstanding, and  is in agreement in principle and  acknowledges that the matter outlined herein as may or not be required or  applicable to the defendant, after this date but,  notwithstanding, may request in writing or other form of communication including electronic transfer, direct communication through O.O.C & B, or other solicitor at this office, forthwith, herein, hereto, and hereafter, may contract or otherwise file complain  that the plaintiff or representatives thereof shall be free to additionally write long paragraphs in small print, precluding all details required and is hereafter authorized within the limitations and addendum to this agreement hereafter specifically  Section a. 1a)1.4iii  and others as may be applicable  to add demands and applicable consultations including a lot of extra incomprehensible words and obfuscated b.s. hooey  in any irrelevancy or addition thereof  and shall not be  pro bono within exclusionary limitation.
 Any section of this agreement not deemed essential to the spirit and meaning of this contract including  section a.1a 1.4.iii or any )subsection thereof  up to and including this date, and  may be post dated, modified, authorized without further action on the part of the plaintiff  including the  requirement for exemplary exclusion  that may or may not be deleted or  selected at the discretion of the representatives of the defendant or the  plaintiff   which  addss, influences, modifies, flamboozles, decimates, eradicates, abdicates, or flammigates and flummoxes  without prejudice any and all parts of this agreement herein and hereafter including  the misunderstanding of the incomprehensible documention in long run-on sentences or other devices that tend to confuse  and distract from the content in section including subsection c) iii and subsection d) iv, para. 4.1  and Section a. 1a) 1.4iii .  Inclusive and interpretive obfuscation within the meaning of subsection 1a)1.4iii   may be altered, changed or interpreted within the meaning of this contract  without notice and do not intend to burn your eyes out or mean anything specifically until the sub-clause becomes applicable and in force, and the defendant or plaintiff herein may forever and   hereafter add applicable addendums to this document from time to time and  to the content of subsections herein prior to the insertion of  further intent and meaning of  ii), iii) para. 2  and clarify  subsequent agreements to eliminate confusion or additionally distract from the content as may or may not be the intention and meaning of the content herein according to the interpretation of all applicable probate law in the State of Unconsciousness if applicable in that jurisdiction or locality, district or mayhem otherwise appointed by the court and subsequent claimants. 
The subsequent discovery and revelation  of Vingaart's  latest Will and Last Testament in the vaults of H.Schlummerbacher, Petoinkus, Non Compis Mentis & Fat has come as a complete surprise and  has disqualified all sections and paragraphs of  the preceding issues as  clarified above and hereby precludes procedural outlines and proceedings equally in response to the investigative authority inferred, authorized or  prepared by Mr. Schulummerbacher,  of   Schulummerbacher,  Petoinkus et al. (H.P. NCM. &F. Inc. being one and the same )
 
We are sure this summary of the  investigation has clarified the issues and has affirmed the investigative force of  this matter and has been investigated and reported  to the warden and to your satisfaction.  
 May your dear Vingaart  now be removed from your basement freezer and  interred to rest in peace knowing his  affairs pre mortem,  post mortem and rigor mortis in totem  are in perfect order.



 Clara, as you know, my cohorts, colleagues, consorts and retorts are always available to assist you as required in your time of difficulty.
 I do hope the warden allows us domestic visitation. See you Friday...
Sincerely yours, 
 Dobbie 

I. D. Obfuscate  LLBS
S.O. Opportunistic, Obuscation, Confusion & Blather, Inc. 
( c/o Pedunkle Maximum Security Prison) 

 " the Finest Legal Service available behind bars Today"


P.S.  Clara, darling, our reasonable fee of  $109,850.03 in this matter will be deducted from the final estate settlement should you wish to be robbed in that fashion,  or if you have so elected, cash, cheque or credit cards are all acceptable. Interest rate is calculated daily on unpaid bills at the rate of 28.8% with penalties not exceeding 100% daily calculated at the discretion of OOC&B or affiliated representatives whenever they so choose to do so and may equally initiate actions at their own satisfaction. Obfuscate, Opportunistic Crooks &Blather are always pleased to drain your bank account and provide all of your legal opportunistic obfuscation and other blathering requirements. 
P.S.S.   As you know, my Uncle Mouchoir Fergulboots of  Mouchoir Fergulboots Funeral Homes Inc.  provides funeral services and green see-through cookie-jars for ashes and such at 50% off. 
As we previously discussed, he would be happy to provide you with the deep family discount. 


  Why small print? 
 Opportunistic legal obfuscation, lies, deceit,  snookery,  crookery,distraction, theft  and evil lawyer's tricks are easily inserted and hidden deeply in the complicated obfuscation of subsections, sub-paragraphs, smoke and mirrors, dark glass and distraction.  Such jargon is usually clearly stated in such fine print that it discourages, even  burns the eyes.
 By the way, is the cat stealing the raccoon? Is he rescuing the cat?    Which opportunistic obfuscation is he using? 
  Perhaps your eyes are deceiving you;  visual opportunistic obfuscation also works.

Um......Which way did you say that red Mustang went?


Is that incoming I hear?